So I shared this blog with one of my friends finally. This has been a private blog for me - written more for when I'm in a time of need or despair. She mentioned that the blog seemed dark - especially with the background. I've decided that I'm keeping this background - not because it represents the turmoil that was happening in my life when I first started the blog but rather, because the storm has subsided and the sun is slowly coming out. The background used to represent the darkness and despair and grieft that I felt, now I look at it as the sun coming out, of the storm breaking, a new beginning, I guess you could say.

Almost two years ago, my heart shattered into pieces. I didn't think I was strong enough to bear it. Sure, people knew I was grieving but they thought that I was getting better by the day but I knew better. Not many people had to deal with seeing someone they love pass away, let alone finding them that way. I, on the other hand, did. I still remember everything that happened that night, every sound, smell, touch and sight. The coldness, the fabric of my friend's jacket as I ran to him for a hug, my collapse onto the ground after everything finally sank in, how Nic's jacket was hurting me as I hung on for dear life.

I still sometimes replay everything in my head - not because I want to but because, sometimes, you have to relive it, to let go of it. The more I've talked about it, the easier it has become. That's not to say that it's all gone but it's not as unbearable and I have moved on somewhat.

Unfortunately, I was already a cynical person to begin with, doubting the true love thing and always getting scared when something good does happen relationship-wise. Now I feel I've  given up a little - forever an outsider, watching wistfully as others find the loves of their lives, while I stand still, still searching. Will it eventually happen? I'd like to think so but could it? I'm not sure but I sure hope so. Perhaps he'll come to his senses. Doubt it but hope is what keeps us going right?

Vents

So i'm sitting here at 12:34am on a Saturday night, venting. It's been months since I've posted my last blog, that is if I did at all. I might have made it private. Here's the thing. a have quite a few things to vent about.

Vent #1: I have a huge dislike for lurker, guys that don't give you your personal space. It's multiplied about tenfold when the lurker is a friend of your friend's and you're so frustrated that he's creeping you that you have to leave early. That was the situation today. In short, I'm annoyed and the guy's creepy.

Vent #2: I don't understand guys. I know I've been out of the dating game for awhile but I can't really read people anymore. I'm not sure what means someone is interested in you and what means they want something more than just friends - i.e. a relationship. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to rush into anything but I also don't want to waste my time. So how do you tell?

Vent #3: I still haven't figured out what I want to do yet. Do I want to continue or not? It's frustrating. I thought I would know but I don't.