6 months now

I forgot about today. It was an important day. In fact, I forgot about May 23rd. I had just arrived to Italy on May 23rd but it would have been our 2 year anniversary. Today is 6 months to the day that I found Brett lying in his bed. Yet somehow I had forgotten about that until I went onto his wall and read postings from his family. I even thought it was out of the blue that his mom had told me she wished me a lifetime of happiness -when in fact, I had forgotten. Should I be forgetting so soon? It's only been 6 months. Am I moving on, if I am, is it too soon? I can still remember everything, the walk up to the room, him lying on his stomach, the smell, the ambulance call, me sliding down against the wall after the paramedics told me they were sorry that he was gone, me ramming into Nic for a hug when he showed up. These memories don't seem to go away. My only comfort of that night is that I didn't see his face, that I can forever remember him with his smile and his pretty green eyes with golden specks.

I should've recognized that there was something about today...but I didn't until I was leaving the office. It doesn't mean I've forgotten about him though. I still talk to him on almost a daily basis and memories of him still cross my mind often. I know I'll be ok, I always am but how much of it is me saying that it's ok and how much of it is me actually being ok? That one, I'll never know but just let me cry a little, for this too, shall pass.

I love you Brett and I miss you. We all do.

Memories

For the most part I'm fine, good even. Today, also...but then I got out of work early and figured I'd go to my old stomping ground at Borders to try and attempt to work a little. It didn't turn out so good. I ended up browsing on Facebook and then going through the private messages I received.

This weekend I realized that I missed our anniversary - May 23rd. How do I miss that? I know I had just arrived in Italy that day but still, it's not something I should have missed. I'm glad I'm at Borders - here I have to control my emotions so that I can be composed when I get home. I couldn't do this at home - it'd be too hard for them. For me, hanging by a thread but at least it's one strong thread - reinforced somehow on sheer will.

Sitting in his room

Sigh.....this week had been mostly good with some tears but that's to be expected. I'm semi-laying and semi-sitting in Brett's bed, next to the walrus he made in his theater(?) class at Auburn. I was under the false illusion that his family were getting better but really, it's just bubbling right below the surface. I'm not sure what I can say or do to make things easier or better for them. I lost a boyfriend but they lost their son. My loss seems so insignificant to them. When I got there, Kathy thought for a second that Brett would be right next to me. I'm not sure if I'm just causing more pain or hurting. I don't know.

Shouldn't it be better?

It's been 3 months and 8 day since I found Brett passed away in his bed. Shouldn't things have gotten better? I mean yes, they aren't as painful as that night but not a day goes by that I don't think about him or even talk to him. When I talk to other people about Brett, it's all in present tense. I can't seem to even say he's an ex-boyfriend because he's not. He's the boyfriend, the one that passed away. It should be better right but I still feel different. Will it actually get better? Does it actually heal? I hate thinking about what-ifs but I wish we could've had more time. Perhaps things wouldn't have worked out but at least I'd be left with answers, not questions and more thoughts.